Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Finding My Way

I keep wanting to write down my thoughts and musings and I can never seem to get it down on paper. Since I always seem to find time to be on the computer, I thought I'd try my hand at blogging. Just how often I'll post and whether or not I'll have anything to say that anyone besides myself wants to read remains to be seen. The fact remains that I'm taking the time to do something for myself, which I seem to have a hard time doing.

My life revolves around my girls, and as a Mom, I think that's the way it should be. Most everything I do, I do for them. I think about them, talk about them to anyone who'll listen, basically eat, sleep and breathe about them. They are my whole world. I guess it's natural that I always want to do and be more for them. Sometimes I feel overworked and under appreciated, but not usually. 

Alexa is my precocious,  curious, silly, funny 4 year old, who lives to dance and sing and dress up. She'll perform for strangers in the middle of Burlington Coat Factory or tell strangers, "I really like your baby!" We can be anywhere doing most anything and Alexa will come out with a compliment or an "I love you, Mom, you're the best girl." Or maybe she'll just be grouchy and want to be home and not driving to the train station to pick up Daddy. Perhaps she'll be excited that it's time to drive to Providence, yet again. She lives to give Daddy a kiss goodbye through the car window, regardless of the weather or temperature outside. Pretty much she's a happy, funny, sunny girl. Don't get me wrong, she can be just as crabby as the next kid, but it's not typical of  her. She's Mommy's girl through and through, and I couldn't be happier about it. Will she still be 6 or  7 years from now? Now that's a question. If she is, I'll be the happiest Mom in the world, but I'm not holding my breath. LOL!

Kaitlyn is Daddy's girl. She is 11 and loves most everything science related, is a voracious reader (who'd-a-thunk-it a couple years ago?),  and is very smart. She may not have the best grades in her class, but once she learns something it's not going anywhere. Besides, being smart isn't necessarily about grades anyway. She cares about the environment, and goes around turning things off if they're left on and scolds us about it. In Kaitlyn's perfect world, everyone would have a job that needs one and things would cost a lot less to make life more affordable. One day a couple of years ago she had a very long conversation with her Dad and I about how she was going to have a Dunkin Donuts and everything was going to cost a penny so everyone could afford to go there. Because everyone could afford it, everyone would have food for their families. It didn't make a whole lot of sense financially and obviously wasn't in the least bit realistic, but her caring for mankind more than made up for it.

I wish Kaitlyn and I were closer. I'm always asking her if she wants to go with me to run errands, or to do something for fun, just the two of us. She never does though. She won't go out for lunch with me, or to the mall or for manicures, or just to go for a walk. I ache to spend time with her but she's just not interested. A couple of weeks ago we were in the car just the two of us and I just started talking to her about this stuff and how much I love her and wanted her long before she ever came along. I cried, I know she did too. I explained how we almost lost her and I spent weeks 18-36 of my pregnancy with her on strict bedrest. That no matter how much I hated being by myself all day and not being able to go out and take a walk, or sit up in a chair, or eat at a table, I did it for her. I loved her and wanted her badly enough that I was willing to do whatever I had to to help make sure she got here safely and when she was supposed to rather than far too early. Kaitlyn unfortunately ended up feeling guilty rather than desperately loved and wanted. I said what I needed to get off my chest, but to what end? The last thing I meant to do was to make her feel bad. 

Nobody's perfect, I know that well enough, especially when you're a parent and in charge of shaping a child's life. We all are human and make mistakes. I'm doing the best job I can with what I have and I feel like I'm succeeding, whether Kaitlyn and Alexa agree or not. Ha ha! All I can do is to show them love, tell them I love them, care for them the best I can and apply discipline when necessary. Hopefully along the way or down the road they will appreciate these efforts and come to know just how loved they are. Not a day goes by that Josh and I don't tell the girls we love them, and show them in several ways. 

Being a parent is both the best and worst job in the world, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Little by little, step by step, I'm finding my way every day.

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