Tuesday, July 24, 2012


This morning we took Kaitlyn to the hospital to be evaluated (as required by our health insurance). Tomorrow we go to admit her to an inpatient facility. Not sure how long she'll be there, but it sounds like the best fit for her right now, and she feels comfortable with it. She'll have her own room and there's an outdoor pool. We're feeling confident that this is where she needs to be and are hopeful that once the insurance says her inpatient stay is up, she'll be able to transition into a day program, which will allow her to come in the morning, stay for the day, and come home for the evening. The average inpatient stay is 10 days, so it would be good if our insurance agrees with that, however, as long as she can be in a program and get the help she needs, that's what matters most. This is very good news and I wanted to share it with you. Thanks for your loving thoughts, prayers and well wishes. We appreciate each and every one.

Little by little, step by step, making my way every day.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

It's All In God's Hands

It's been almost 5 months since my last blog entry. Wow! So much has happened between February and now that I don't even know where to start. Medications have been increased, decreased or changed completely for Kaitlyn. She's had some side effects that we're not willing to live with or to make her put up with. 

June was a very difficult month for Kaitlyn. She missed the last two weeks of school due to depression, anxiety and paranoia. She didn't even feel able to attend her elementary school graduation ceremony or their end of the year field trip to Boston and Gillette Stadium. Once school was finished and summer vacation had begun, Kaitlyn was finally able to relax a bit, but her ability to control her emotions, thoughts and feelings dwindled to nothing and she started acting on them. We thought we were going to have to have her admitted to the hospital, but we managed to avoid that. So it was a medication change, followed by the addition of a new one a couple of weeks later to help her control those actions and intense and frightening feelings. Now due to some very negative side effects of that particular medication, we're going to start weaning her off of it next week. I'll admit, I'm concerned that she's going to start acting on her thoughts and feelings again, so we're praying there is an alternative to that particular medication that might be a better fit for Kaitlyn. 

Tomorrow I'm taking Kaitlyn to a hospital in Massachusetts to be evaluated for their partial hospitalization program. This means that if they take her, Kaitlyn will be going there 5 days a week from 9am-3pm. There she will receive intensive therapy and be taught coping skills to help her learn to live with her symptoms and feelings and make the most of each day. She will also see that there are other kids just like her, that she isn't the only one who has to learn to deal with similar problems. 

The down side to this partial hospitalization is that the hospital is an hour away with no traffic, and about 2 hours away in commuter traffic. We'll be driving up with the commuters tomorrow of course, then if she stays for the day, I'll come back home until it's time to drive back to get her and home yet again. This means no less than 5 hours of driving per day. I will be asking if it's possible to have them authorize service for Kaitlyn at one of our local hospitals for this reason. There are also a few other factors that make this more than just an inconvenience. Not only do we need the original hospital to authorize us to receive services from one of our local hospitals, there would also need to be space available in the local program, and at this point, I really would need the hospitals to work it out between them, because I'm not sure I have what it takes to arrange it myself. God knows our need and I'm trusting Him to work everything out for Kaitlyn's best. If she's unhappy and uncomfortable it's going to be a real fight to get her to go, and she's too big for me to strong arm her into the car anymore. Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated. I am trying my best to just leave this all in God's hands and to not worry about what's going to happen. 

It isn't easy writing about something that is such a large and consuming part of my life without going into a lot of details and coming off as a total downer, but I think I've managed it this time around. I'm not even crying, so that's got to be a good sign, right?

Hoping and praying for some good results to post about next time. Thank you all for your love and support, it means more than words can say.

Little by little, step by step, making my way every day.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Ain't It Great To Be Crazy?

As I was going about the business of getting ready for the day, I had this uncontrollable urge to do something silly. My next thought was of what Kaitlyn (my 12 year old daughter) would think "if she could see me now." The thought that immediately followed that one was that grown ups are just kids in bigger bodies. I like that thought. 

As "adults", we have jobs and more responsibilities, kids of our own, and so on. Underneath the big important things we have to think about and do every day, we're still the same kids inside that we were way back when. We still like to have fun, be silly, go a little (or a lot) crazy. I say we don't do it enough. I think kids get embarrassed by their parents acting foolish because they don't see it very often. That's not how they're used to us behaving and so it throws them off balance. Now of course, if you have teenagers, they're going to roll their eyes, and not want to hug you in public, or whatever, because it's expected of them to behave a certain way at that age. That's ok. 

I think that as adults, grown ups, parents, grandparents, we're entirely too serious and need to learn to loosen up a little, go a little wild and silly a bit more often. This is not only good for the heart and soul, but laughter is healthy. It HAS to be, after all Reader's Digest doesn't have a section titled, "Laugher, The Best Medicine", for no reason. And the Bible even says that a merry heart does good like a medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones. SO, laugh, be silly and feel better! It must be easier to handle the tough stuff in life if you have a merry heart, don't you think? 

Little by little, step by step, making my way every day.

Friday, January 27, 2012

For All It's Not

I grew up on the largest island in Canada's Bay of Fundy. The Bermuda of the Maritimes, the Queen of the Fundy Isles. Back in the day when I was living there and growing up, there were roughly 2,800 people on the island. No traffic lights overhead, no shopping center, no bowling alley, and the main road had one lane going in either direction with a yellow line between the two. The population has grown a bit, but the rest still applies. Fishing used to be the main source of income, now that has taken a back seat to tourism. Still fishing is the main source of income for a great many.

The year I started first grade was the first year that there were no more village schools. An end of an era. Goodbye to one room schools. How old am I you must be wondering. Well, I'll confess, I'm not a spring chicken anymore, but the fact of the matter is, that things just take a little longer coming to Grand Manan than to a lot of other places.

Grand Manan boasts one gas station nowadays, (yes there used to be several), and one main grocery store, though the Corner Store in "the Head", still carries some groceries. Restaurants are coming and going all the time, or changing hands and names. Like anywhere else, there are changes all the time, and some things that never seem to change at all.

The nearest city is an hour and 20 minutes by ferry ride, and about a 45 minute drive after that. This is where most "islanders" go for doctor appointments, shopping, etc. A trip "away" takes pretty much an entire day, so you have to plan for it, and don't forget that if you have reservations or appointments off island, that the weather or any number of maintenance issues with the ferry could mean that you don't get to go after all. The first ferry from Grand Manan loads at 7am and leaves for her crossing at 7:30. If you're travelling to the island, you have to be mindful of the departure times because if you miss that last ferry, you aren't getting back   tonight. People have been known to sleep in their cars in the lineup to wait for the first trip the next morning.

There's one ATM machine, and that's at the bank in Grand Harbor. Most places that take debit/credit cards don't take Discover (if there are any), and there are no 24 hour convenience stores. (I think they close at 11pm if memory serves me correctly, that could have changed). There are no fast food restaurants, no Walmart, and the only "chain" store is the Canadian Dollar Store.

For all the things it's not, Grand Manan is many other things. Grand Manan IS a small community, with quirks and foibles, it IS the place I was born and raised. Grand Manan IS the place I went to school, played, laughed, rode my bike without a helmet, and didn't think twice about traipsing off to the "shore" to climb rocks with my neighbor. We built a camp in the trees behind my grandparent's house on the hill and swept the "floor" with a rag tag broom. We went to the beach every day it didn't rain in the summer with our grandmother, and raided the peas from Papa's garden on a regular basis. We played under and climbed the apple trees, and watched Nana hang clothes on the line ever day it was fit, sometimes they came in frozen. Ha ha! I grew up without a dishwasher, and I remember cable TV coming to Grand Manan when I was about 14. We didn't even have a microwave in our house until I think it was the year before I got married, or the same year. (yes we were probably the last holdouts on the island in that department)

Grand Manan IS still my favorite place to visit of all the places I might ever dream of going. It IS inconvenient in some ways given that there are a number of "modern" conveniences that they don't have, but if you don't grow up with them, you don't really think about it much and you simply accept that's the way it is. Grand Manan IS the place I will always call home, even many years from now. While I have changed a lot over the years, there's still salt water that runs in my veins, and the need to slow down and get back to a little simpler way of life for a week or so every year.

The thing I absolutely miss the most about Grand Manan besides my family (that's a given), is the fact that everyone knows everyone else, and while there are drawbacks to that, it's the one thing that sets the island apart. In a crisis, everyone pulls together. If you have a family member who is sick, you lose your home in a fire, whatever the case may be, Grand Manan is THE place to be. Everyone takes care of each other, and there are more offers of help or listening ears than you know what to do with. It IS the one place that when I'm there, and someone asks me how I'm doing, they stop to hear the answer, and they care. For all the inconveniences and the unholy rumor mill, there is no other place I'd rather be from and the only place I know I could absolutely go if I needed somewhere to go. People from Grand Manan are friendly, warm, honest (sometimes to a fault), and genuine. The most genuine people I've ever known anywhere. These people are real. Even if someone's real awful, I'll take that any day over a friendly phony.

So, for all it's not, Grand Manan IS home to my heart and the reason I'm the person I am today. Maybe that's why I don't seem to fit in so well here in New England, I'm too real, warm and genuine and they don't know how to handle that here. And that's just going to have to be ok, because you can take the girl off the island, but there's no way you're getting the island out of the girl!

Little by little, step by step, making my way every day.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Thank God! We finally got a new psychiatrist for Kaitlyn. After countless phone calls over several weeks, and being told no one had any availability, Josh and I finally decided that Kaitlyn would just have to "take one for the team", and see a male psychiatrist. So, I called Bradley hospital to see if there was anyone taking new patients (outpatient). There was only one doctor in the entire hospital who was and wouldn't you know he wasn't in our insurance provider's network. So, I compiled my list of doctors in the area and called the first name on my list. According to my information there were two male doctors at this office. I learned immediately that there was indeed a psychiatrist accepting new patients and Kaitlyn could be seen on Friday, Jan. 13th. Oh, and by the way, it's a woman. Ha ha ha! I hung up the phone and shouted loud enough to scare Alexa to tears. Naturally I had to explain I wasn't angry, but extremely happy. She took a bit of convincing, but we're good. I don't care what anyone says about Friday the 13th. In my book it's going to be a very good day! I feel like I was carrying a couple of 18 wheelers around on my shoulders and someone just lifted them off. Funny how once we decided to stop looking for a female psychiatrist one just kind of fell into our laps. 

Kaitlyn has a lot of support at school from the psychologist, social worker, her teachers etc. We are so very thankful that she's in the school she's in. With only about 240 students in K-6, the staff are fairly easily able to keep an eye on her and make sure she's ok. They care about her and want to help her to succeed as a student. Academics aren't that difficult for her. She actually managed Bs and one C on her last report card, her best report card since we moved to RI. When you consider all that she has going on internally, and the fact that she's struggling and working so very hard to compensate at school, she is doing phenomenal! If she was able to perform to the best of her ability (unhampered by schizophrenia), you can just imagine how well she would be doing.

We have a lot of learning and adjusting to do, and so does Kaitlyn. There are so many uncertainties, but we are trying to get plugged into resources to help us adjust to our new life. There's a family support group called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) that has a 12 week course for families. This teaches you about mental illness,  

There's also a support group, Parent Support Network of Rhode Island, http://www.psnri.org that provided services such as teaching you how to parent a child with mental illness. Both sites also provide education on mental illness, instruction on how to cope and help locating services etc. Better still, they have locations you can go to in order to receive support. The next best thing to finding the help you need, is knowing you're not alone and having someone to talk to. I'm looking forward to getting linked into this community so we can have support on this level. To be able to talk to people who really understand what we're going through will be so good for me (us). Taking that first step won't be easy, but I know it will be worth it.

Little by little, step by step, making my way every day.